Voldemort's Book
by InchySquinchy
Summary: Harry's watching a talk show and gets a big surprise. This is an incredibly WEIRD and pretty stupid story. Oh, and one of the first fanfics of HP I ever wrote! hahafalls over


Harry Potter flipped on the Tv and sat back. it was a talk show.  
  
"And when did you decide to be a actor?" the Host asked. Harry yawned and took a sip of water. "great. how nice. well, our next guest is a new writer hitting the bookstores with a sensation! A Murder Story writer, Voldemort!" Harry spit out his water all over the floor. There, on the chair next to the kid actor, was Voldemort. He wore a large over-coat and hat. "So, Voldemort, is that your real name?"  
  
"Mm-hmm. I changed it years ago," Voldemort said. he was grinning at the audience. Was this a stunt to scare Harry? Harry clutched at the glass and leaned forward, eyes glued on the TV set.  
  
"Now. Your book, 'How I Killed Harry Potter.' Was it inspired by a horrendous event in your life?" Voldemort leaned back in his chair and sighed.  
  
"Ah. Yes. I had a dream, a few months ago. It said 'Voldemort, write a book.' So I did and pow! Now Its a best seller and I'm rich!" Voldemort said, spreading his arms out wide.  
  
"Oh please." Muttered the actor-guest.  
  
"Will there be a sequel?" the host asked. Harry was gripping his glass so hard, it shattered.  
  
"Maybe. Depends. I might have another dream. Another vision. A little voice in my head. And now, if you call in, you'll receive an autographed copy of my book for only $5.99!" Voldemort said and held up a book. Harry ignored his bleeding hand and stared at Voldemort on the set.  
  
"Well, Voldemort. Have you had any negative response from your enemy? Is the enemy real?"  
  
"Oh yes. Definitely. He's actually a young boy. He made my downfall when I was younger. But now I'm up and kicking! And rich, too." Voldemort pulled out a wad of money in his pocket and ran his fingers though it, grinning.  
  
"Is your enemy's name really Harry Potter?"  
  
"You decide."  
  
"What will you do now you've written your book? Will you really kill your enemy?"  
  
"Eh, I want to. Right now, though, I'm busy at the moment. I'm seeing if I'll get another vision."  
  
"Now. In your book you say your a witch and you use wands and spells and stuff like that? Is it true?"  
  
"Ha! Yeah! I am a wizard. And I hate everybody that isn't a wizard or witch. And any wizard or with that likes people who are." The host laughed, thinking he was just joking.  
  
"Now our show is out of time! I hope you enjoyed. Watch Henry Johnson's movie, 'The Wild East' and read Voldemort's book, 'How I Killed Harry Potter.'. And have a good night and good day!" It cut to the credits. Harry turned the set off and took in deep breaths then noticed his clothes were covered in blood and so was some of the rug. Then the phone rang so Harry answered it.  
  
"Hello?" He asked in a shaky voice.  
  
"Hi, Harry? This is Voldemort. I thought you'd like to know I'm not going to try to kill you know. I'm far too busy. I just written a second book and am working on a third plus a idea for a movie! man I'll be rich. So you can relax. I'm no longer a dark, feared wizard- I'm a rich writer! Hahahahahahahahahaahahahahahahahahaha!" Then Voldemort hung up. Harry starred at the phone and hung up. Then it rang again.  
  
"Hello?"  
  
"Harry? Voldemort again. I also wanted to apologize for terrorizing you for the past years. Also give my regards to your friends. Oh yeah, sorry about killing your parents. I am sorry 'bout that. Surprised, are you? Well yes I HAVE changed. Writing a book changes people. and about my followers, they may still try to go after you but if they give you any trouble, just call me or write to me and I'll make them stop. Maybe we could get together for lunch sometimes, I'd enjoy that. if your still scared and think I'll kill you, I won't. No? Don't want to meet? Well, I'll send you some money and you can go out to eat somewhere. I'll send extra and you can take your two friends. TTFN! Ta, Ta For Now!" Voldemort hung up again. Harry stared at the phone then fainted.  
  
THE LUNCH  
  
It was late in the year. Harry was stretched out by the fire in the Common Room when Dumbledore called for him. Harry, someone wants to visit with you at Hogsmeade tomorrow for lunch."  
  
"Oh, Okay." So the next day Harry went into Hogsmeade and into the Three Broomsticks. There was the familiar overcoat and huge hat. Voldemort! Harry froze but Voldemort grinned at him.  
  
"Harry my boy, come along. I won't hurt you, no. I'm far from that now. I just wrote another bestseller! Isn't this great? Here, have a seat then." Harry sat in the seat across from Voldemort. His once red eyes were now a dark blue and his skin had color. "I'm not writing any Murder stories. Now its murder mystery stories. Here, have a copy of my latest. Really good. Number one for the longest of my books yet. Ah, you know it feels good now. My life feels better. I think writing is a great therapy for once-dark wizards. My followers giving you trouble? No? good. I told Wormtail to start writing. He has a short book of poems out now. and Lucius Malfoy wrote a great collection of short stories! I was thinking about dedicating my next book to you. how'd you like that? Why you ask? Well see I thought it'd be great for my fans to know I patched things up with you. I've gotten tons of negative mail saying I was a monster. So I'll write a nice book about how we became friends and blah-dee-blah. Now, ofcourse you'd be the first to read and if you don't like it- BAM! I'll throw it out and write a new one. Only wanna please my fans now. Well now, what do you think?"  
  
"Uh-"  
  
"Great! Good! Perfect! Wonderful. Now, want me to include those two friends of yours? I was going to put my dedication 'sorry Harry for killing your parents' but decided that wouldn't be any good. So I'll just put 'for Harry who once was my downfall and is now the reason I climbed the ladder of success.' How's that? Good. Now, the reason your scar doesn't hurt when I'm around is cause I'm longer full of negativity towards you. No, not at all. well, nice lunch chat we had- must be going now. TTFN! You know, Tigger from the Whinnie-The-Pooh stories says that all the time. Tigger's my favorite. Never read the stories? you should. They are CUTE! Especially the part where they go the North Pole and the last beetle thinks everyone says 'hush' to him so he buries himself in the ground for two days. Oh, that's my favorite part. So cute. But anyway, gotta run. Maybe we'll do lunch another time. here's my card. TTFN. Again." Voldemort patted Harry's head and left. Harry, stunned, fell backwards in a faint.  
  
THE END  
  
Hey you readers! I know, I know. This is an INCREDIBLY weird story. but earlier today my friend and I were talking about junk and all of a sudden I told her, 'well wouldn't it be funny if Voldemort wrote a book called, 'How I Killed Harry Potter?'. she laughed and said, 'now only $5.99!' and so I decided to write a short, odd story about it. At first I wasn't going to add the two phone calls but when I got to 'Harry got up' I thought, 'well what if Voldemort calls him?' so I decided to. then I thought, 'well what if Voldemort calls again and turns all nice and stuff' then I decided to add 'the lunch' so heh yeah I know, I'm weird. *sobs* 


End file.
